Adventure Time: The Thousand Year Derp
by JadenYuuki
Summary: Pretty much just Paper Mario 2 with Finn and Jake in place of Mario. (Yes, both of them.) Rated T because PM2 is freakin' DARK man, f'realz. Written almost purely because the idea WOULDN'T LEAVE MY HEAD.
1. The Prologue's Prologue

I really should be working on new chapters for Random Insanity and/or Writer's Block, but this stupid idea _would not leave me alone_ until I get it written down.

Like the summary says, it's basically Paper Mario 2 with Adventure Time characters thrown in. Enjoy!

Adventure Time and all related characters are owned by Pendleton Ward and Cartoon Network.

Paper Mario and all related characters and locations are owned by Shigeru Miyamoto, Intelligent Systems, and Nintendo.

* * *

 **Prologue Setup - In Which The Backstory Is Explained to You, The Reader, Specifically.**

A long time ago, like really long, like a thousand years maybe, there was this great kingdom. And everything was all sunshine and rainbows there all the time. Then it got destroyed. Nobody knows why or how, which is weird, 'cuz you'd think _somebody_ would want to document an event of that nature.

Anyway, time passed and because nobody actually knew anything about what happened to that old kingdom, they built another town on top of its ruins and then something about a door and some sort of treasure? Whatever, let's just get to the real prologue now.

* * *

It had been a long day.

Princess Bubblegum, accompanied by her trusted servant Peppermint Butler, had set out on a goodwill tour of the neighboring kingdoms, and had stopped at the town of Rogueport in the Mushroom Kingdom to get more supplies.

(Shut up, as far as Ooo is concerned, Rogueport _is_ in the Mushroom Kingdom.)

Currently, she was walking around in the town square, getting a sampling of the local color.

She wasn't impressed with what she was seeing.

Suddenly, a voice called out to her, "Excuse me, miss?" The princess looked and saw an old woman in a raggedy cloak that hid her face in shadows. (Or her face was actually _made_ of shadows, it was hard to tell, and in Ooo, anything seems to be possible...)

"Were you talking to me?" she asked the old woman.

"Oh, yes! You look like someone of distinguished stature and fine taste, why don't you have a look at my wares?"

Princess Bubblegum looked at the collection of items the old woman had strewn about on the blanket in front of her. It was mostly trash probably taken from any of the nearby alleys, except for one item... "That's a very pretty box, it seems rather out of place among the rest of your junk."

"Ah, indeed. _That_ box, my dear, is magic. It is said to contain a map to one of the greatest treasures of the lost civilization that was said to stood on this very spot! However, the box is locked by powerful magic and only a maiden pure of heart would be able to open it. I think. Or maybe you need to be a magical princess made of sugary candy, for all I know." The old woman attempted to open the box, but the lid refused to move. "Anyway, I can't get it open no matter how hard I try." She offered the box to PB. "Tell you what, I'm tired of looking at the thing, so if you can get it open, you can have it _and_ whatever's inside free of charge. I'll be glad to get rid of it."

Princess Bubblegum grasped the box firmly in her hands, and gave the lid a hard tug. As it began to open, there was a burst of light, and...

We get sent to the Title Screen:

 **Adventure Time: The Thousand Year Derp**

* * *

It had been a quiet day at the Treehouse. Finn was busy doing pretty much literally nothing, when suddenly, Jake came in carrying a package.

"Check it out, dude! We got a package from Princess Bubblegum! I bet it's something neat she got us as a souvenir or something," said Jake.

"And she couldn't wait till she got back to give it to us?"

Jake thought about that for a moment. "Yeah, that does seem kind of strange... Well, there's a note attached, mayb e that'll explain what's up."

And so, Jake began to read the note, doing his best attempt at PB's voice.

 _Hi Finn and Jake!_

 _I've written you this note because, during my goodwill trip to the neighboring kingdoms, I came across a treasure map. It sounds kind of like finding the treasure this map points to would be an adventure, and I thought, you guys like adventures, so I figured you might want to come along._

 _You'll find in the package the map in question, so you'll know this is totes legit._ _I'll be waiting for you in the town of Rogueport in the Mushroom Kingdom._

 _See you there! (That means you_ must _come.) - Peebs_

"And whaddaya know, there's definitely a map in here."

"Well, you heard the note!" Finn said, jumping up and holding aloft his golden sword, Scarlet. "Let's go get ourselves some adventure!"

With that, Jake hopped into Finn's backpack, and the two rushed out the door.

Little did they know the sheer scope of the adventure they would be faced with...

* * *

A/N: Ugh, _finally._ Now that I've got this out of my system I can work on the fanfics I actually care about again.

So yeah. Stay tuned for AT/PM crossover shenanigans, and who knows? This might update even faster than my other two fics.


	2. A Rogue's Welcome

**WARNING:** Certain details within Mario series canon have been altered. Things like making goombas a bit more anthropomorphic than usual. This is just how goombas shall appear in Ooo. If you prefer, simply consider any mention of goombas with arms to be referring to that mysterious force that allows them to hold things without having them. Also, the Bowser side plot will be removed as the only character that would fit the role (With Finn as Mario and PB as PP) is Ice King, but he's way too "Comic Relief" to play the role of a "Remorseless King of Evil."

Please do not kill me for any changes you may not agree with.

* * *

 **More Prologue - A Rogue's Welcome**

"Yo, Finn, wake up bro. We're here!"

Finn opened his eyes to see the town of Rogueport off in the distance. It remained there, in the distance, for some time. Finally, Finn asked "Why aren't we getting any closer?"

"You're _sure_ you want to Rogueport, then?" the boat's pilot asked, "I did tell you the various sordid stories about the place, right?"

"Of course we do, Princess Bubblegum is waiting for us! And we're heroes, so there's nothing that goes on in that town that we wouldn't be able to handle," Finn replied.

"You say a princess is waiting for you?" the pilot asked, clearly not believing them. "Well, anyway, if you insist…"

As soon as they were off the boat, it sped out of the harbor as fast as it was legally allowed to.

The Rogueport docks were staffed by an eclectic mix of mushroom folk, rodent folk, and, perhaps most oddly, sentient bombs.

"Do you see PB anywhere, bro?" Jake asked.

"Maybe she's waiting for us in town somewhere," Finn replied, "Let's just look around."

Jake hopped into Finn's backpack, and the two started off, but then stopped as something ahead of them was causing a commotion.

A young mushroom girl, dressed in a duster coat over the stereotypical schoolgirl outfit, was being chased by a group of costumed thugs. "Get away from me, you creeps! I have nothing to say to you!" She yelled.

"Oh, give it up, girly! I know you were asking around about the Mystic- uh- thingies… Anyway, you're gonna tell us everything you know!" the biggest one (And therefore, the one in charge) yelled back.

"I wouldn't tell you anything even if you asked nicely!" she responded.

"Oh, we'll see about _that_ , little girl." The big thug turned to his minions and said, "Grab her, boys! We're taking her back to the fortress for interrogation!"

The two smaller thugs saluted him. "Yes sir, Lord Crump!"

The girl backed away as they approached her. "S-stay back! I'll scream, I swear!"

"Buh-huh-hah! Look around, girly! You're in the wrong town if you think anybody's gonna come save you!" Lord Crump yelled.

"Dude, we have to help her!" Finn whispered to Jake.

"You just wanna help her 'cuz you think she's cute," Jake replied.

Finn blushed profusely. "No!"

Jake raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, yeah, but that's not the only reason! What kind of heroes would we be if we _didn't_ help her?"

"Point. Let's do this!"

Finn charged in to the rescue. As he approached, he gave a slight nod to the girl, who proceeded to duck behind him.

"Oh, thank Glob!" She said.

"Oh, _come on_!" Lord Crump shouted, "The _one time_ there's a hero in town, and he's there when I need to kidnap someone!" He cracked his knuckles. "Well, it looks like I'll also be adding murder to my list of crimes committed today."

Finn brandished his trusty golden sword. "Yeah, not happening, dude. I'm too awesome to die here," he said. And then his eyes went wide as he narrowly dodged a flying body press.

"Get him, hero! You can do it! You just gotta hit him a bunch!" the girl cheered.

Finn charged at his foe and slashed hard, cutting a large gash in Lord Crump's suit.

"YOU RUINED MY SUIT! HOW DARE YOU?!" Lord Crump cried. "BOYS! GET HIM!"

Suddenly, the area was flooded with those costumed weirdoes, who all immediately jumped at our heroes. Fortunately, they were too busy bouncing off of each other to realize they weren't hitting any of them.

"Quick, this way!" The girl called, and she and Finn slipped out through a conspicuously open spot in their enemies' attack pattern.

The costumed idiots continued their attack for several minutes before finally Lord Crump realized something was amiss. "HOLD IT!"

They all stopped their attack, and it suddenly became clear what was wrong.

"They got away?! Motherlumping- AAAAAAAAARGH! That little- He's gonna pay for ruining my favorite uniform!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in an alley somewhere in Rogueport, our heroes stopped to catch their breath.

"-whew- I think we lost them," the mushroom girl said. "Anyway, thanks for that, back there. You really are a hero."

Finn blushed, "Heh, It was nothing. Y'know, just doing what heroes do."

"Well, you totally deserve a reward!" And with that, she gave him a kiss on the cheek, which only served to intensify his blushing.

"Uh, so, I guess introductions are in order," Finn said after he managed to calm down enough to form coherent sentences again. "I'm Finn, and this is my bro Jake."

Jake poked his head out of Finn's backpack. "Yo!"

"You don't look like a dog, though," the girl pointed out.

"We get that a lot. Finn here's adopted, actually," Jake explained, patting Finn on the head. "Still, I couldn't have asked for a better brother."

"And you are?" Finn asked.

"Oh, right! My name's Goombella. It's a pleasure to meet you both," said the girl, "In case you don't know, I'm a goomba, one of the varieties of mushroom folk native to the Mushroom Kingdom."

"So, why were those weird costumed jerks chasing you?" Finn asked.

"I guess it's because they were after the research I've been doing in town, see, I'm here on an internship with my archeology professor, and we're studying the legends surrounding this town," Goombella explained, "Which, by the way, if it weren't for the fact one of those legends involves some kind of treasure, we'd probably be long gone from this toilet of a town by now."

"Wait, treasure?" Finn asked, "That's actually kind of interesting, 'cuz we're here about a treasure hunt, too."

Jake dug around in Finn's backpack and popped out with the map in hand. "Check it! We got a treasure map and everything."

Goombella's eyes widened. "Oh my Glob! Let me see that!" she cried, grabbing the map from Jake's hands. "This is- Is it? Could it really be…?" She grabbed Finn by the shoulders and shook him. "TELL ME WHERE YOU GOT THIS!"

"We- We got it from Princess Bubblegum. She sent it to us and told us to meet her here."

"Why if it isn't Finn and Jake!" a new voice called. The voice, as you might have guessed, belonged to Peppermint Butler. "What brings you two out here? And by the way, have you seen the princess recently? We got separated, and now I can't seem to find her anywhere."

"Wait what? PB is missing?" Finn asked, "What might have happened to her?"

"You don't think she got kidnapped, bro?" asked Jake.

"Naw, Prubs is way too awesome to get kidnapped nowadays," Finn replied.

"Yeah, that can't possibly be what happened," Jake agreed.

"Oh, well. If you find out anything about what happened, you can find me at the inn on the town square. I recommend staying there if you end up needing a rest yourselves." And with that, Pepbut walked off.

The three of them stood in silence for a moment, before Goombella spoke up. "You know, there's a chance we're all after the same treasure. If that's actually the case, then maybe my professor might know something about your princess friend. His name's Dr. Frankly, and he's currently set up over in the slums. Come on, I'll take you there."

* * *

A/N: This feels like a good place to stop for now. Tune in next chapter for the rest of the Prologue, where we'll meet Dr. Frankly, Finn and Jake learn about Action Commands, and the quest for the "Mystic Thingies" begins!


	3. What Time Is It?

**Even More Prologue - In Which the Adventure Gets a Proper Kickoff**

We join our heroes as they trek into the slums to find Dr. Frankly.

"Here we are!" Goombella said as they approached a run-down building. She knocked on the door, "Professor, I'm back! And you won't believe what I've just found!"

The door opened to reveal an old mushroom man in a tweed suit. "Yes, what is it? What did you find?" he asked.

"Finn, if you wouldn't mind?" Goombella held out her hand and Finn handed her the map. "We've got the Magical Map!"

Dr. Frankly grabbed the map from his student. "Give it here! I need to be sure…" He rushed back inside, and then popped out again, saying, "Sorry! Do come inside, please!"

"Now, before I begin my examination, I feel some introductions are in order. Who are your new friends, Goombella?"

"Oh, this is Finn and his adopted brother, Jake. They helped me out of a jam a while back, and they were the ones who found the map," she explained.

"Hello, sir," said Finn. Jake simply waved.

The mushroom professor did a few quick tests on the map, and once he was satisfied, he returned it to Finn, saying, "My boy, I can't thank you enough for finding this map, because it is indeed the Magical Map!"

Goombella bounced about happily. "We can finally start looking for the Mystic- uh- Thingies…"

"They're called the Crystal Stars," The professor corrected.

Suddenly, Finn thought of something. "Hey, yeah! I just remembered that weird guy mentioned those Mystic Thingies, too."

"Ah! That's right! Professor, there was someone else who was probably after the treasure!" Goombella added. "He and his goons tried to grab me when I was out looking for information. In fact, that was the aforementioned 'jam' that Finn and Jake helped me out of."

"Goodness, this is turning into quite the adventure! A treasure hunt for ancient artifacts, individuals with questionable morals and motives seeking those same treasures… Ah, reminds me of my younger days," Dr. Frankly said as he stared wistfully into the distance. "But, still, you were asking about the Crystal Stars?"

"Yeah, what's the big deal about those things?"

"Well, they're powerful magical artifacts from a lost civilization. A civilization that once stood in this very spot! Indeed, the town of Rogueport was built upon the rubble of that great civilization, and I have made it my own personal mission to study the legends surrounding it and discover the truth."

The professor walked over to his large collection of books, and continued, "I've pored over countless tomes on the subject, and they all agree on one point: Finding the truth requires finding the Crystal Stars, which serve as the key to the Thousand-Year Door. And to find the Crystal Stars, I need the Magical Map, which you so helpfully brought to me."

At that point, Goombella chimed in, "'To find the Crystal Stars of Yore, hold aloft the Map at the Thousand-Year Door. And each new piece shall light your way, to find the Stones of Yesterday.'" After a brief pause, she asked, "Why is it that ancient stuff like that is always in rhyming verse or unhelpfully flowery prose?"

Dr. Frankly chuckled, patting his assistant on the head. "That's something you'll need to learn on your own, my dear." He then grabbed a cane from a bucket near his front door. "Come along, then! We've got some ruins to investigate!"

* * *

"There, uh, seems to have been a bit of a collapse since the last time I'd been to the door…" said the professor, as he looked at the wreckage of what was once a raised walkway to the Door's chamber.

"Not a problem, Doc!" Finn declared. "Yo, Jake, you mind playing elevator?"

"Not at all, bro!" Jake hopped out of Finn's backpack and stretched himself out. The others then climbed onto his back, and with a bellowed "GOING UP!" Jake extended his legs until the group could reach the entrance to the Door's chamber. "We have arrived at our destination!"

The Door chamber was an impressive sight, a huge room with a raised platform in the center covered in various arcane symbols. And, of course, the door itself was an imposing sight in its own right.

"… That's a big door," said Jake.

"I wonder what's behind it…" Goombella mused.

"There are many theories, some say untold treasures, others think some kind of powerful weapon, there are even some who say dangerous monsters are contained behind that door," Dr. Frankly explained, "Personally, though, I'm not one for idle speculation."

There was a brief pause.

"Well, Finn," the professor said, "Hold aloft the map, like in the legend!"

Finn did so.

Nothing happened.

"Huh. Disappointing," said Goombella.

"Perhaps you need to try it while standing in the middle of the platform?" Dr. Frankly guessed.

Finn walked out to the middle of the platform and tried holding the map aloft again.

This time, the arcane symbols carved on the platform began to glow, and a bright ball of light enveloped our hero. And just as suddenly as it had started, it faded away.

"Whoa, that was a serious rush!" Finn exclaimed. "I still feel kinda tingly…"

"Hey, the map's still glowing a little!" Jake pointed out.

Finn looked at the map. "Oh, hey! There's some stuff on here that wasn't there before! I can see a tiny little me standing where I assume we are on the map, and there's an image of a star over a castle in a grassy plains area off to the east of the city!"

"Let me see!" Dr. Frankly shouted as he rushed to Finn's side. "How remarkable! 'Magical Map' was indeed a perfect name for this!"

"Hey, what about that bright flash a few minutes ago?" Goombella asked.

"Ah, I have a theory about that, but we'll need to return to my house so I can do a bit of research on the subject." the professor explained.

And with that, they all returned to Dr. Frankly's house.

* * *

"Aha!" The professor had just finished poring over one of his books. "I believe I have enough information to confirm my theory. Our young friend has just obtained a Star Power!"

"So, what does that mean?" Finn asked.

"It means that you have access to a special ability that will help you in difficult situations. According to my studies, the map can generate an aura of healing energy." Dr. Frankly answered. "There are also legends relating to the powers of the Crystal Stars themselves, but I don't want to bore you with things you probably don't need to know now."

"Speaking of the Crystal Stars, any idea where that first one is supposed to be located?" asked Goombella.

"Well, after comparing the image on the Magical Map to the charts of the area surrounding Rogueport, it would appear to be located in a place known as Petal Meadows. Interestingly enough, it was widely believed that one of the Crystal Stars might have been located there! As such, it was quite the destination for would-be treasure hunters."

"Ah! Speaking of treasure hunts, the entire reason I have the Magical Map at all is because I was invited on one by my friend, Princess Bubblegum!" Finn suddenly cried.

"Hmm… Princess Bubblegum, you said?" Dr. Frankly thought for a moment, "Would she perhaps be a rather elegant lady scientist apparently made of her namesake?"

"That's PB, all right."

"Yes, someone like that did come to visit me a few days ago, asked a couple questions about my studies… I may have mentioned the theories surrounding Petal Meadows…"

Jake poked his head out of Finn's backpack. "Dude, you think she might have gone on ahead of us?"

"On a hunch based primarily on rumors and legends? Doesn't sound like Peebs at all," Finn replied.

"Yeah, I guess so," Jake conceded.

"Maybe you could ask the locals when we get there?" Goombella suggested.

Finn shrugged, "Worth a shot, I suppose." He turned to the professor. "So, how do we get to Petal Meadows from here?"

"Hmm… The local gangs would likely try to charge a 'protection fee' if you try to leave by the east gate…" the goomba doctor mused, "But perhaps… Yes, that should work nicely. There's a tunnel in the catacombs that leads to a sewer exit just outside the east gate. That'll get you past the gang checkpoints without needing to pay a single coin!"

"Well, then, what are we waiting for?" Finn asked.

Dr. Frankly slumped into his desk chair. "You know what? You two can go on by yourselves. I'm worn out from everything that's happened today, plus I think I might be a bit too old for a potentially world-spanning adventure, anyway."

And so our heroes went on their way.

Or they were about to, when suddenly, Dr. Frankly yelled for them to wait.

"I just remembered! It's dangerous to go alone, take this!" he said, pressing a small object into Finn's hand. "I've always wanted to say that," he grinned.

Finn examined the object that the mushroom professor had given him. It was a metal pin in the shape of a particularly sturdy-looking hammer. "That's great, but how will this help me?"

"It's a badge," Dr. Frankly explained. "If you pin them to something that you're wearing, they grant special powers. For example, that one I just gave you will allow you to channel extra striking power into your weapon attacks. It might prove useful against enemies with strong defenses. When you need to use it, just give it a tap. "

Finn pinned the badge to one of the straps of his backpack. "Cool, thanks Doc. I'll be sure to put it to good use."

And with that, our heroes headed off.

* * *

"I hate sewer levels," said Jake, as he burrowed deeper into Finn's backpack.

"Well, hey, at least we're getting it out of the way early," said Finn. "And anyway, we haven't run into any monsters down here, yet."

At that moment, as if just to spite him for bringing up the lack of monsters, a giant squid creature burst from the water.

"Way to jinx us, there, Finn," Goombella said.

"What is that thing?" Finn asked, reaching for his sword just in case the creature turned hostile.

"It's called a Blooper. They're generally harmless," Goombella explained. "They're also generally not this big…"

The Blooper grabbed Goombella with one of its tentacles, eliciting a scream from her. "Help! It's a tentacle monster and I'm dressed like a schoolgirl! I've seen too much anime to not know how this might end!"

"Don't worry, I'm on it!" Finn shouted, drawing his sword and swinging at the tentacle, but he failed to do more than scratch it. "All right, let's try this, then." Finn tapped the badge on his backpack strap, and then instinct took over. He gripped his sword tightly and focused, and the blade was suddenly wreathed in a bright glow. He raised the blade over his head and, with a loud cry, brought it down, slicing cleanly through the tentacle.

"BLOOOOOOOP!" the monster squid cried as it swam away. The sliced tentacle released its grip on Goombella, who let out another shriek as she fell out.

"I've got you!" shouted Jake as he shifted his hand into a giant catcher's mitt.

As soon as she was back on the ground, she let out a relieved sigh. "Let's get out of here, in case it decides to come back with friends," she said, and the three of them hurried toward the exit.

 **End of Prologue!**

* * *

Well, this was a decent amount of time coming. But I had it more or less written and ready to go, I just didn't feel ready to post it. I guess I am, now. Hope you enjoyed, and reviews are always welcome.


	4. Problems in Petalburg

Well, this has been a bit too long in coming. Sorry about that.

Anywho, enjoy!

* * *

 **Chapter 1 - Problems in Petalburg**

We join our heroes as they rest for a moment in a peaceful meadow outside the walls of Rogueport.

"Well, this is Petal Meadows, all right," Goombella declared. "Our first order of business should be to gather information and supplies in the nearby village."

Before they could do anything, however, there was an earth-shaking roar, and a large shadow passed over them. Everyone quickly ducked behind the nearest form of cover as a giant dragon flew overhead. The three companions watched as it went into a tower of a distant castle. They waited for a moment to be sure it hadn't seen them, and then continued on their way.

"Well, that complicates things," said Goombella.

"Yeah, the castle that dragon just landed in looks a lot like the one on the map," Finn added.

Jake pulled the map out of Finn's backpack and checked it. "Aw snaps, you're right."

"And if that's the castle where the Crystal Star is, then the dragon is probably guarding it," Finn pointed out.

"All the more reason for us to stock up on supplies, then," said Goombella.

And so, the three of them headed towards the village.

* * *

"Welcome to Petalburg!" a friendly turtle-like creature called to our heroes as they entered the village. ("That's a koopa," Goombella later explained, "They mostly live in areas like this.") "Y'know, I haven't had the opportunity to say that in a while, what with that nasty Hooktail having moved into the old castle…" he added.

"Hooktail?" Finn asked.

"Must be that dragon we saw earlier," Goombella mused.

"Whoa, whoa, you saw Hooktail?!" the koopa said, his eyes widened in surprise. "You guys were seriously lucky she didn't see _you_ , then! She'd have probably gobbled you up right there!"

"Not without a fight," said Finn.

"You must be really brave or really stupid to think you'd have any chance against Hooktail!" the koopa exclaimed.

"I'd say Finn's a bit of both, really," Jake deadpanned. Finn glared at him in response.

"As I was saying," the koopa continued, "We lost a lot of our best fighters trying to get rid of that dragon ten years ago, and the mayor's had the path to the castle sealed off ever since."

"Then I guess we need to talk to the mayor, because we need to get into that castle, whether or not we plan to fight the dragon," said Goombella.

"Ah, yes. That you do. You'll find him down the street here, in the pink house. You can't miss it."

A brief walk later, they arrived at the mayor's house. To their surprise, the door was ajar.

Finn cautiously entered the house, only to be beset by an old koopa with incredibly bushy eyebrows. "What do you want? Barging into an old koopa's house like that, you're probably here to rob me!"

"Uh, no sir," said Finn, "It's just, well, your door was open. We wanted to make sure you were all right."

"Oh! I thought there was a draft in here! Heh, I'd probably forget my shell if it weren't strapped to my back," the old koopa said. "Anywho, I'm perfectly fine. Name's Kroop, I'm the mayor of this here town, but you probably know that already. I assume, also, that you're not just here to check up on me?"

"Actually, yeah. We were told you knew how to get into the old castle near here?"

"Hooktail's castle?" the old turtle asked, "Why would you want to go there? Unless, you're some kind of wandering heroes who heard about our problem and are here to get rid of that dragon for us? Why, if someone were to do that, we'd be eternally grateful and probably shower them with gifts!"

"You don't need to make _that_ big of a deal about it…" said Finn.

"What's that? You say just knowing that you'd helped a struggling rural community to survive would be reward enough?" Kroop asked.

"Hey, he never said that!" Jake shouted.

Kroop ignored Jake's outburst. "Oh, you truly are great heroes, doing us such a service just out of the kindness of your hearts," the old koopa continued, "Why, it brings a tear to this old turtle's eye."

"So, about getting into the castle?" Finn asked.

"Right, that! There was an old pipeline transport that would take us there, but I had it sealed off and stashed the keys over in the Shwonk Fortress, out east of town," Kroop explained. "If you can get them out of there, then you have my permission to open the pipeline and try your luck against Hooktail."

* * *

And so, our heroes were about to head off to challenge the trials of Shwonk Fortress, when they were approached by a young koopa.

"Um, excuse me! Could you wait just a moment, please?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," said Finn, "What do you want?"

"Well, uh, my name is Koops and… You guys are planning to go after Hooktail, right? I, um, I wondering if, maybe…" the young koopa trailed off.

"Well, spit it out!" said Jake.

"PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Koops cried.

There was an uncomfortable silence after that.

"Uh, sorry about that," Koops said, slightly embarrassed by his own outburst.

"Why do you want to come with us?" Finn asked.

"Well, you see, my dad was one of the warriors of our village who went out to fight Hooktail, and, well…" Koops started.

"You want to help us fight Hooktail so you can avenge him," Goombella finished.

"Yeah. I've been training ever since that day, in hopes that one day I'd be strong enough to take that dragon down," said Koops, attempting to pose heroically. "And I think if I team up with you guys, our chances would be that much greater."

"You're welcome to join us, if you really want to," said Finn.

"R-really?" The young koopa's face lit up upon hearing that. "Awesome! Oh, I promise you won't regret letting me come with you!"

* * *

And so Koops joined the group earlier than normal because he's the author's favorite partner in PM2, and he would have been a huge help against the fuzzies.

And hopefully it won't take me so long to get the next chapter out...


	5. The Trials of Shwonk Fortress

I finally have this chapter done and ready! So here it is! I'll see you all again in the post-chapter notes.

* * *

 **Chapter 2: The Trials of Shwonk Fortress**

A short trip outside of town later, our heroes found themselves at the entrance to the fortress.

"So, this is where the mayor said he put the keys to the pipeline," said Finn.

"Well, what are we waiting for, then?" asked Goombella.

"I don't know," Finn replied, "I just suddenly felt the need to stop and point that out." The group just stood there for a moment, before everyone shrugged and finally headed inside.

As soon as they entered the first chamber, a gate crashed down behind them, trapping them inside. Shortly after that, some stone creatures began to attack them. The four heroes readied themselves for battle.

Goombella led off with a tactical appraisal: "It looks like we're dealing with a couple of Clefts. They've got rock-solid defense, but they're not so tough otherwise."

Finn nodded, "I think I know what to do, then." He tapped his Power Smash badge, and effortlessly cleaved through one of the Clefts. The other one charged at him, but he knocked it away with a spinning kick, following up with another Power Smash.

"That was AWESOME!" Koops cheered as a door leading further into the fort opened. Finn sheathed his sword with a dramatic flourish, and the group continued on their way.

The next room looked much like the first, only the enemies the heroes faced this time resembled metallic balls covered in spikes. "Bristles!?" Goombella shouted, "Oh, this isn't good. These guys have the same basic stats as a Cleft, but those spikes make it impossible to get close enough to strike them!"

"Not a problem," Koops declared, "In my preparation for this, I came across one important piece of advice: Always have a long-range option." The young koopa reached into his shell and produced a small red box with the word "POW" written on two of its sides. He lobbed it at the oncoming bristles, and it burst open with an earth-shaking explosion, knocking them all out. The doors then opened, and the heroes continued on to the next room, which was dominated by a giant stone carving of a face.

"What do you suppose this one's gonna be?" Finn asked.

As soon as he had finished speaking, the stone face's eyes snapped open. It looked at the group, and suddenly shouted "FINALLY! Brave adventurers have arrived to challenge me!"

Finn quickly drew his sword, but the stone face simply laughed. "Oh, no," it said, "My challenge doesn't involve combat. Mine is a test of brains, not brawn!"

Suddenly, the room transformed from its original state into something like a game show set, with Finn, Goombella, and Koops all standing behind their own podium, and the stone face now sitting in front of a microphone stand and sporting a bowtie.

Finn looked over at Goombella, who simply shrugged. "I have no idea what's going on either," she said.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Sixty-Fifth Annual Quirk Quiz!" The stone face declared.

"Wait, does that mean we're the sixty-fifth group of heroes to have attempted this?" Finn asked, "And weren't these trials established only _ten_ years ago?"

"Shut up kid, it's an inside joke," the face answered. "Anyway, the rules are simple: I ask a question, and one of you answers the question! But beware! If your answer is incorrect, or you fail to answer within the allotted time, you will be ELIMINATED!"

The three "contestants" paled at the way it had said that.

"… By which I mean you will not be allowed to attempt answering any more questions."

They all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Successfully answer five questions before all players are eliminated, and YOU WIN! But, if you fail, you will suffer a TERRIBLE PENALTY! But it's too late to back out now, so let's get this show on the road!" The stone head spun around, and a tense, dramatic background track began to play. "QUESTION ONE: You have come to this fortress to look for something, what is it you are looking for?"

Koops pressed the buzzer on his podium. "We're looking for the keys to the pipeline transport!" he answered. A bell rang, signifying his answer was correct.

"CORRECT!" The statue shouted, "That's one for you guys, but that was an easy question! Here comes QUESTION TWO: What is the name of Petalburg's mayor?"

Koops buzzed in again, "Mayor Kroop." The correct answer bell rang again.

"WOW! A second correct answer in a row! How long will this streak continue? We'll find out with QUESTION THREE: In the Petalburg store, how much would it cost to purchase a Fire Flower _and_ a Mr. Softener?"

Koops buzzed in yet again, "Sixteen gold coins!" Yet again, the correct answer bell rang.

"Add one more correct answer to the tally, and on to the next one!" the statue said, sounding very impressed, "You might not have heard, but there's a Crystal Star right here in Petal Meadows! But where, exactly, is it located?"

Goombella took that question. "It's in the castle." The correct answer bell rang for the fourth time.

"Goodness, you really are on a roll! Only one more correct answer is needed to claim your prize, so let's move on to the next-!"

Finn's buzzer went off. "Ah! I didn't mean to do that!" Another buzzer went off, signifying a wrong answer.

"I'm sorry, but that's the WRONG ANSWER! Sucks to be you!" the statue declared.

"OH, COME ON!" Finn shouted as the lights on his podium shut off.

"That's one contestant down, two contestants left, and four points on the board. Can they score their final point? We'll find out with our next-!"

Goombella's buzzer suddenly went off. "What?! I didn't even touch the buzzer!" she shouted. Then the wrong answer buzzer sounded, and her podium shut off. "Oh, what the ACTUAL LUMPS?!"

The statue began chuckling evilly. "I was asking easy questions at the start, but I'm done playing with you. However, I'll actually be nice and let you try to answer this last question: Panda A and Bear B go down to Apple Forest to do some apple picking. Panda A picks ten apples per minute, while Bear B picks twenty apples per minute. There are thirty apples on each apple tree. So, how many times did I just say 'Apple'?"

Koops's buzzer went off on its own. He sat there for a moment, staring at the statue, before finally answering, "Six times."

"WROOOOOOOOOOOONG! That last one doesn't count in the total, so I said 'Apple' _six_ … Times…" the statue said, suddenly realizing Koops hadn't been tricked like it had hoped. "Dang it!" it cried as the final correct answer bell went off. In a swirl of motion, the room went back to how it originally looked. "I guess you won, here's the prize." A compartment at the base of the statue opened up to reveal two stones carved in the shape of a sun and a moon.

Goombella walked over and collected them. "These are the keys to the castle?" she asked.

"Maybe the mayor can explain how we're supposed to use them?" Finn suggested. "We should head back to Petalburg anyway, I'm like, super tired after all that."

"Sounds like a plan to me," said Koops, "You guys can crash at my place."

* * *

I really wanted to include the gold fuzzy boss fight, but since I had spent far too long on this chapter already, I decided to end with the quiz show thing. (Also steal one of my favorite questions from the quizzes in SPM.)

Sadly, however, while the next chapter _hopefully_ won't take nearly so long to finish, the computer I had been using to write this fic on decided to die on me. Granted, it was kind of silly of me to be using that computer for writing fanfiction anyway, considering it couldn't connect to the internet, meaning I had to transfer finished chapters to a thumb drive and upload them from a different computer...

But you don't want to hear (Uh, _read_ ) about that! You want to read about Finn's adventures in the Mushroom kingdom! And next chapter's going to be fun to write because we're going into Hooktail Castle and I get to introduce Ms. Mowz! (That actually was fun to write, too bad I have to redo it from scratch now...)

On that note, how do you guys feel about shipping in this story? I've already teased a bit of Finn/Goombella, Ms. Mowz is a shameless flirt, and I don't even know yet how I'll be handling Vivian... Please tell me what you think. There is that handy little box down there for quick reviews. (It's also good for letting me know what you think of the story overall. [nudge, nudge, plz review kthxbai])


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